Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I feel compassion for people with mental illness. I have a cousin who is schizophrenic and has been since college. It has really limited his life. It took years to get his illness under control. When he went on medication, he became phyically ill to the point where he had to go off his meds which made the voices and delusions come back. It was a terrible cycle. He is doing really well now since he had his spleen removed and his meds adjusted. He works and has a girlfriend and lives in a place with other people with his condition.

I know plenty of people who have had problems such as eating disorders, generalized anxiety, depression. The great thing is there is help out there from psychiatrists, psychologists, and medicine. There is no shame in getting help especially when suffering these illnesses cause can be alleviated with a prescription.

[absolutuscchick]

When I first read started reading this thread, I'll have to say, that I found it to be very offensive. As I have one of the "major illnesses" you listed, I again remembered how close-minded people can be. I have to say that I think that Dionysus's initial post was kind of hurtful. And the same for AXJules. Not all people with these disorders act any different from the rest of the population. Not all people choose not to take their medication. I can't even imagine choosing not to date someone because they told me of a mental illness. Think about what you are doing when you do that. Obviously, they trust you enough to let you in on some problems. If you were to reject them after that, can you only imagine how much that hurts? Obviously not. You are too busy thinking about yourself. And just because you had ONE experience with someone who was depressed and they didnt take their medicine, do you have to generalize and group every person with a mental illness together, even if that person is on medication, and seemingly well put-together?? And what do you do if someone gets depressed for a few days? Do you run away, like an immature child, scared, because you can't handle it? Or do you behave like a mature adult, and accept it as part of that person?

ALSO...what happens if someone you love all the sudden develops one of those said illnesses (many, esp. bipolar and schizophrenia, don't manifest themselves until adulthood)?? Do you just leave them because you are too scared to deal with it? Because thats the vibe I'm getting from people on this message board....and frankly it shocks me that anyone could be that close-minded.

[GeekyPenguin]

I could date somebody with a minor illness. I don't think I have the time or patience to deal with something like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

THAT IS MY CHOICE.

It is a choice you make to not date fat people, ugly people, rich people, whatever. I date what I'm attracted to.

That's not mental illness, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also wouldn't seriously date a Republican or somebody from an extremist religion that conflicts with mine. Again, my choice.

[lovelyivy84]

I don't think it's close-minded to be worried about your personal emotional or even physical comfort/safety. People suffer from these illnesses to varying degrees, and I think that it's anyone's right to not date someone with a condition that they don't feel that they can deal with. I've suffered from one of the listed "illnesses" myself and can honestly say that I was better off not dating anyone at that time, because I had to worry about me in order to even begin treating what was wrong. My relationships were dysfunctional because I was.


It's like adopting a baby with AIDS. Would you criticize a couple that didn't want to take that child? It's not a reflection on the child, it's a reflection of what the parents feel their abilities are. Or for another example, would you criticize someone who didn't feel comfortable dating the deaf? or the blind? Some people are honest enough with themselves to know they aren't ready to handle that kind of relationship or the heavy emotional investment that dealing with someone who is ill can often require.

Anyone who told someone they were interested in of their condition should be mature enough to understand that the person they are telling might not be comfortable with it- that is after all the point of telling them, no? Finding out if they are in it for the long haul and willing to deal with the issues of dating someone mentally ill, whatever they might be? Being mad just because that person decides they can't is kinda pointless- the person who is ill is better off finding out that the individual can't deal with their illness this way than later.

[Cluey]

Originally posted by GeekyPenguin
I could date somebody with a minor illness. I don't think I have the time or patience to deal with something like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

THAT IS MY CHOICE.

It is a choice you make to not date fat people, ugly people, rich people, whatever. I date what I'm attracted to.

That's not mental illness, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also wouldn't seriously date a Republican or somebody from an extremist religion that conflicts with mine. Again, my choice.

I cosign with everything Kath said except replace Republican with Democrat for me.

[Lady Pi Phi]

Some of you are so quick to jump all over people and say they are being offensive.

I too am one of "those people" with a mental illness. I have dysthemia and major depressive disorder, also known as double depression.

However, I don't think anyone here is being offensive. I would not date a person who's mental illness was untreated/so out of control that he was a danger to me, himself and others. No matter how wonderful a person he may be, if his illness wasn't under control and I feared for my life. I could not be with him. It's purely a safety issue.

But sometimes it's also a mental health issue. I went out a few times with a guy who I knew suffered from depression. He was very sweet and I liked him, however at that time in my short life, I was just pulling my self out of the gutter (so to speak) and I was coping with my depression. I was doing a lot better but I did not have the emotional strength to also deal with someone elses depression. Our first date he didn't say more than 10 words to me and then had the nerve to get upset when I wouldn't let him crash at my place.
I suggested to him that he seek professional help. I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't dealing with their depression because I was having enough trouble dealing with my own. Could you imagine that relationship? Two extremely sad people together...oh yeah what a barrel of laughs that would have been.

So, it's all about balance. I couldn't date someone who was in a deep depression and unwilling to give it a chance. I gave this guy plenty of chances but I couldn't help him because he didn't want any help at the time. We remind friends for a while (until we go into an unrelated argument). He eventually did get some help, and found himself a new girlfriend.

I don't think I was being mean, or offensive or selfish. I was looking out for my own mental health. He eventually looked after his own and found the happiness he was looking for. If I had continued to date him I would have become his therapist, not his girlfriend.

[AXJules]

Originally posted by absolutuscchick
I again remembered how close-minded people can be. I have to say that I think that Dionysus's initial post was kind of hurtful. And the same for AXJules.

What in my post was hurtful? I said I would not be with someone who is a danger to me or others. I listed two diseases which bring out extreme behavior in people- it is in my best interest not to be in a relationship with someone like that.

I can't even imagine choosing not to date someone because they told me of a mental illness.

Again, my personal choice. A person's race doesn't affect their ability to be a good boyfriend; certain mental diseases do. **Notice I said CERTAIN.**

Think about what you are doing when you do that. Obviously, they trust you enough to let you in on some problems. If you were to reject them after that, can you only imagine how much that hurts? Obviously not. You are too busy thinking about yourself.

Can you imagine how much it hurts when someone you love is laughing and crying and yelling at you at the same time?? Can you imagine how much it hurts to have someone irrationally lash out at you, or hurt you physically, and you don't know why? That is NOT being self centered. That's knowing what's good for you and what isn't. Why do you think that's any different than being with someone that's abusive?? **AGAIN, I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS. I'M SAYING THIS IS HOW I FEEL IF THE PERSON HAD A SEVERE CASE- AND MANY DO.** And, wouldn't you say it's a little self centered to know you're harming someone else and jump in the relationship anyway? It goes both ways.
And, you make it sound like, anyone with a mental illness automatically deserves a significant other. God bless you for having to deal with what you deal with, I'm sure it's not easy, but that doesn't mean I have to agree to go out with you. Just to spare your feelings I'm going to agree to be your girlfriend? Like that wouldn't lead to worse problems down the road....Are you attracted to people in wheelchairs? What about someone with no legs? They have it pretty f'ing hard too.....so using your logic you better be dating all of them to make their day a little easier. That doesn't make any sense.

Just because you had ONE experience with someone who was depressed and they didnt take their medicine, do you have to generalize and group every person with a mental illness together, even if that person is on medication, and seemingly well put-together?? And what do you do if someone gets depressed for a few days? Do you run away, like an immature child, scared, because you can't handle it? Or do you behave like a mature adult, and accept it as part of that person?

. Again, I never said all people with depression were like that. Re-read my post- I said it was a horrible experience and I can't imagine being with anyone with a WORSE illness. WORSE. Not SAME. Depression is unbelievably common- many times the person that has it doesn't even know. I didn't rule it out, just said that it's a red flag for me. Personally. And, I do not want this to turn into a personal attack b/c I think this is a great discussion, so I am really biting my tongue here, but how dare you claim that those of us who are "healthy" (and I know you were referring to me) run away like scared children b/c we can't handle it. You know nothing about me-nothing- and I sat by for 2 years as someone I loved more than anything else on Earth hurt me, others, and basically self destructed. It was everything I could do to get him help. You say that all of us are being judgemental but you have a lot of harsh things to say for someone who's so 'open minded'.

ALSO...what happens if someone you love all the sudden develops one of those said illnesses (many, esp. bipolar and schizophrenia, don't manifest themselves until adulthood)?? Do you just leave them because you are too scared to deal with it? Because thats the vibe I'm getting from people on this message board....and frankly it shocks me that anyone could be that close-minded.

The question was WOULD YOU DATE someone with a mental illness. Not "would you marry a seemingly healthy person, only to have them develop a mental illness, and then leave them for someone better." And, in advance, no I would never desert someone like that. But to know in advance that that's what they're dealing with.....in situations, no I would probably not get involved.

[sugar and spice]

I think this is a frustrating topic for people with mental illnesses because there is already such a stigma in our society and it's hard to face the fact that at a point when you are at your loneliest and saddest/angriest/whatever-est, people want to walk away from you because of something you can't control.

I also think that a lot of people avoid those with these problems, or with certain problems, because of what they perceive them to be rather than what they are. Like I said before, people assume that depression and anxiety and ADD are "easier" to handle because they are so common in our society -- but somebody with untreated depression/anxiety/ADD is going to be 101 times harder to be with than somebody who has their Tourette's or schizophrenia or bipolar disorder under control.

And as somebody who has had major issues that still aren't under control, I am well aware of the "martyr complex" that many people involved with those who have these problems develop. There are a whole lot of people in your life who suddenly think that all their suffering while dealing with you is so terrible that they deserve a medal. If you think what you have to deal with is bad, try being the one with the disease. Yeah, I'm sorry the fact that I have insomnia and wake up with nightmares means that you can't sleep very well. Would you like to trade places with me, because, you know, I'd gladly do it? I'm sorry about the fact that dealing with my panic attacks means you don't have as much time as you need to study. Have you checked out my GPA lately? Yeah, so maybe you should shut up. I'm sorry that the fact that I'm depressed means I'm no fun to be with anymore. Try being me.

If their disease is that hard for you to deal with, you aren't doing them any favors by being with them.

All that said, there is no way I would ever get involved with anybody with a mental condition who didn't have their isht under control. Because I know what it's like, and I know how hard it is. My most recent relationship ended partly because my boyfriend tried so hard to deal with my panic attacks and depression and tried so hard to fix things for me that he ended up burning out and lashing out in a way that hurt me (and other people) far more than just simply breaking up with me would have done.

I am of the opinion that anyone who has a mental illness -- or a drug problem, or an eating disorder, or any of these things that are sooo hard to deal with for everyone involved -- should not be in a relationship until they get things under control. And that is hard because a lot of the times those with mental illnesses or drug problems or eating disorders are the ones that feel like they need people most. But you spend so much energy on the problems that there is no way you can give as much to the relationship as you need to be giving, and it's bound to end up really ugly.

[AXJules]

Originally posted by Ginger
Just a co-sign to say - I don't find this thread offensive either, even though I'm one of the "afflicted" :P

I have schizophrenia. A very mild case, yes, but it's still enough to send most people screaming away when I say the word. So I don't talk about it much. Due to it I've had an eating disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, the works. Most of the time I'm "normal"... but sometimes I'm not. Those times can be very, very, VERY trying for me and for those around me. Even when I am "normal"... I'm definitely different. There are things I may say or do that might stike someone as odd... but your average Joe on the street might just think I'm a little unusual, rather than Freak Who Must Be Hospitalized!!!

I don't think it's fair to pick on someone that doesn't want to date someone with a mental illness. If they don't want to date me... hey, that's cool. I may not want to date someone with purple hair. It's up to each individual person to decide who they do and do not want to date. I can totally understand why someone wouldn't want to deal with that... especially in college when you're looking more for "fun" than for "life" (generalization... you know what I mean)

So let's play nice and discuss calmly. Not every thread needs to be a flame war.

It's incredibly cool of you to share with us what you've gone through.
Those of us who answered honestly appreciate it.

[cash78mere]

lovelyivy made a wonderful post, and i agree with all she said.

i don't know what i would do if put in that situation. i think it totally depends on severity and type of illness and how much that person wants and/or receives the help he needs.

[Rudey]

Is it awful for me to believe that 99.9% of Greekchat has a mental condition?

-Rudey
--I fall in the other 0.1% and now I'm going back to finishing this pitchbook and listening to Flashdance.

[AXJules]

Originally posted by Rudey
Is it awful for me to believe that 99.9% of Greekchat has a mental condition?

-Rudey
--I fall in the other 0.1% and now I'm going back to finishing this pitchbook and listening to Flashdance.

A) No, b/c you're right.
2) Ooops that Flashdance comment just whisked you into that 99.9 %.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by Ginger
It's up to each individual person to decide who they do and do not want to date. I can totally understand why someone wouldn't want to deal with that... especially in college when you're looking more for "fun" than for "life" (generalization... you know what I mean)

So let's play nice and discuss calmly. Not every thread needs to be a flame war.

Good post. Thank you for sharing your story.

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I dated someone for a brief time who was severely depressive. The relationship didn't last long, and it wasn't because of that at all--it was just for fun, and it kinda burned itself out. Had it gotten more serious, I don't know whether or not the condition would have been too much for me. I was 18 years old and clearly not ready to deal with the ins and outs of loving someone with such a condition.

Acknowledging that you can't do it isn't being selfish or offensive. It's simply knowing how much you can handle...what would happen if you began to lash out at or resent your significant other because sometimes s/he was seriously depressed? The relationship would do more harm than good in that person's life.

[twhrider13]

My boyfriend suffers from clinical depression. He also goes through short periods of mania, although he's never been classified as bi-polar, because the mania is very mild and only lasts for a few hours at the most.

For some reason, I've always attracted and been attracted to people who have psychological problems. (One reason I decided to make one of my majors psychology.) I probably have some myself. Maybe it's because I find psychological disorders so fascinating (my field is going to be abnormal psychology) or because I understand what it's like to differ from the norm (or a little bit of both), I don't have a problem dating people who do have psychological disorders, as long as they aren't a danger to themselves or others.

But then, there was always that one that tried to run me down with his car...

[Rio_Kohitsuji]

My last boyfriend was bipolar, and he decided 3 months into our relationship that he "didn't really need his meds". I dealt w/it for 2 years, lots and lots of heartbreak dealing w/that condition. I will never never never date someone w/a condition such as that again, too much stress.